So...i haven't updated my blogs in MONTHS!!! and reading back on them, i sounded SO DAMN miserable. i can't understand how i could let a guy make me feel like that. i'm so much stronger than that and i let a GUY bring me down. LMAO!!! i'm glad i had some sense knocked into me :) anywho, so my year (2009) was by far the roughest and worse year i've EVER EVER had...but somewhere down the line God threw me a miracle and some grace. I've been praying on it for months and He answered my prayers. I'm happy, and i haven't been this happy in a while. I realized that when u let go of all the bitterness and anger, u can truly be happy. U just have to know how to let go. I realized that I can make MYSELF happy but i shouldn't discourage others for trying to make me happy either. See i have this new ray of sunshine in my life. It's been there for a while, but its shining brighter than it ever has before, and i'm enjoying its light and warmth. Something about that ray of sunshine makes me happy. Although its has its days where it wants to dim its light, but its always shining. If ya'll don't get it, i have someone in my life (papa bear) that makes me feel really good. He can piss me off a lot & we can argue everyday (usually we do), but thats what we do! we wouldn't be us & we wouldn't be as happy. i don't think i've ever been this comfortable with someone this fast. He's truly my big ol' teddy bear :)
With Love,
Milly <3
January 4, 2010
July 3, 2009
depressed
"I use to wake up some days and wished i stayed asleep, cuz i went to bed on TOP OF THE WORLD, today the worlds on TOP OF ME"
thats hows i feel most days. especially after my surgery. ive been very moody and emotional. and the one person i need by my side seems to be by someone elses :( trust me i tried, but if it was that easy to fall out of love, i would of done it months ago. but i guess he's shown me that i need to, and to move on. hes not worth it anymore. only if i could grab all my strength and move on, but right now my strength is in healin. i cant do anything, i feel miserable, sometimes i just want to cry my eyes out other times im good. today is one of those days where i feel like cryin. i feel stupid, hurt, betrayed, angered, sad. no can seem to help me either. i pray everyday hopin for a miracle to come my way. i pray for strength, forgiveness of myself and others, i pray for those who hurt me, i pray for my heart to be on the same page as my mind, i need strength and i need Gods love. but until i can accept the tru and the fact of the matter i cant do anything. im shielding people from my hurt, i dont like to feel weak or helpless. i want my healin to happen fast (and i kno i cant rush things but i cant stay in my house either) its makin crazy cuz all i have time to do is think and i hate thinkin at times like these. ive had so many good words of advice but until someone has been in my shoes (surgery and love wise) i dont want to hear it. i want to move on with my life, but somehow i cant muster the power adn strength to do it. i dont even kno what else to day
Heal me God with ur mighty powers,
comfort me with ur love in my darkest hours.
thats hows i feel most days. especially after my surgery. ive been very moody and emotional. and the one person i need by my side seems to be by someone elses :( trust me i tried, but if it was that easy to fall out of love, i would of done it months ago. but i guess he's shown me that i need to, and to move on. hes not worth it anymore. only if i could grab all my strength and move on, but right now my strength is in healin. i cant do anything, i feel miserable, sometimes i just want to cry my eyes out other times im good. today is one of those days where i feel like cryin. i feel stupid, hurt, betrayed, angered, sad. no can seem to help me either. i pray everyday hopin for a miracle to come my way. i pray for strength, forgiveness of myself and others, i pray for those who hurt me, i pray for my heart to be on the same page as my mind, i need strength and i need Gods love. but until i can accept the tru and the fact of the matter i cant do anything. im shielding people from my hurt, i dont like to feel weak or helpless. i want my healin to happen fast (and i kno i cant rush things but i cant stay in my house either) its makin crazy cuz all i have time to do is think and i hate thinkin at times like these. ive had so many good words of advice but until someone has been in my shoes (surgery and love wise) i dont want to hear it. i want to move on with my life, but somehow i cant muster the power adn strength to do it. i dont even kno what else to day
Heal me God with ur mighty powers,
comfort me with ur love in my darkest hours.
May 30, 2009
Bitterness
""U should never give it all, because sometimes theres nothing left but bitterness and regret, and it just aint worth it"
i should have never gave my all cuz its exactly how i feel right now. u should never make someone ur everything, cuz when u lose it, u have nothing. i gave him my heart and he gave it back in pieces. he destroyed what i believed love was. he took my chance at love. im sad 2 say, but i dont believe in love anymore, my fairy tale turned into a bad dream. i want to let it go and move on and trust me if it was that easy i would. he gave up on me, and he chose others over me. he cares about bout others and himself then the one person who would do anything for him. in time he will see what he lost. and when he finally realizes im gone, im scared it would be too late. 8 months i put myself through pain and agony and he watched every minute of it, and let me hurt. idk whether to be angry, sad, feel stupid or what. if i was ur everything and the one for u, how can u just want the one walk outta ya life, and look at me with eyes that show no emotion and dont care. he see's me cry and cry my eyes out, and i keep thinkin hes gonna come get me and rescue me, but i always seem to be walkin alone. i should of let while there was still something there, i wouldnt be so angry and full of hate. he made me and angry person, but yet i kno if he was to apologize and say lets give it another try i wouldnt hestiate, and thats NOT OKAY! he needs to be afraid to lose me, to feel how i feel, to experience what i go thru on a daily basis now. weakness is becomin my strength and my strength is becomin my weakness. i have no other choice but to let him go, to give him what he seems like what he wants so much. its said to see him follow the wrong path, theyll get him in trouble, theyll leave, theyre not worth it. he tore up my heart and i forgave him...now his doin it again, but idk if i can forgive him again, after he PROMISED not to hurt me. we not together, hes right. time i start actin like it. im still doin everything for this kid. i couldnt give him anymore, i gave him everything, there wasnt anything he was denied. but not i think its time to deny him my love and heart, cuz i kno it s worth more than what hes givin. u made a choice and sadly for u...it was the wrong one. he needs to get his stuff together b4 its too late and while theres still a chance. cuz the number one person in my life is ME and when i really start to focus on me, ull be wondering where i went and why i didnt have ur back anymore.
u think they would wait for u, 4 months, 8 months? esp. when one cant even wait for her husband. do what u want, be free, be happy and be truthful. but most importantly, dont regret anything in ya life, i kno i wont. i tried my hardest for u, now ima try my hardest to be done. i loved u and u gave me nothing but heartache. i think from here on out, i have no choice but to be happy. ill go through the worse time in my life alone, ive done it for 8 months im sure i will be able to the year of my life. its all or nothing. u need me in ur life but not fully, and i wont be in halfway. ull need me one day, and i wont be there.
No Rain? No Rainbow!
With Love,
Kamile
i should have never gave my all cuz its exactly how i feel right now. u should never make someone ur everything, cuz when u lose it, u have nothing. i gave him my heart and he gave it back in pieces. he destroyed what i believed love was. he took my chance at love. im sad 2 say, but i dont believe in love anymore, my fairy tale turned into a bad dream. i want to let it go and move on and trust me if it was that easy i would. he gave up on me, and he chose others over me. he cares about bout others and himself then the one person who would do anything for him. in time he will see what he lost. and when he finally realizes im gone, im scared it would be too late. 8 months i put myself through pain and agony and he watched every minute of it, and let me hurt. idk whether to be angry, sad, feel stupid or what. if i was ur everything and the one for u, how can u just want the one walk outta ya life, and look at me with eyes that show no emotion and dont care. he see's me cry and cry my eyes out, and i keep thinkin hes gonna come get me and rescue me, but i always seem to be walkin alone. i should of let while there was still something there, i wouldnt be so angry and full of hate. he made me and angry person, but yet i kno if he was to apologize and say lets give it another try i wouldnt hestiate, and thats NOT OKAY! he needs to be afraid to lose me, to feel how i feel, to experience what i go thru on a daily basis now. weakness is becomin my strength and my strength is becomin my weakness. i have no other choice but to let him go, to give him what he seems like what he wants so much. its said to see him follow the wrong path, theyll get him in trouble, theyll leave, theyre not worth it. he tore up my heart and i forgave him...now his doin it again, but idk if i can forgive him again, after he PROMISED not to hurt me. we not together, hes right. time i start actin like it. im still doin everything for this kid. i couldnt give him anymore, i gave him everything, there wasnt anything he was denied. but not i think its time to deny him my love and heart, cuz i kno it s worth more than what hes givin. u made a choice and sadly for u...it was the wrong one. he needs to get his stuff together b4 its too late and while theres still a chance. cuz the number one person in my life is ME and when i really start to focus on me, ull be wondering where i went and why i didnt have ur back anymore.
u think they would wait for u, 4 months, 8 months? esp. when one cant even wait for her husband. do what u want, be free, be happy and be truthful. but most importantly, dont regret anything in ya life, i kno i wont. i tried my hardest for u, now ima try my hardest to be done. i loved u and u gave me nothing but heartache. i think from here on out, i have no choice but to be happy. ill go through the worse time in my life alone, ive done it for 8 months im sure i will be able to the year of my life. its all or nothing. u need me in ur life but not fully, and i wont be in halfway. ull need me one day, and i wont be there.
No Rain? No Rainbow!
With Love,
Kamile
May 19, 2009
Pretty Wings
sorry i havent been on here in a while. nothing new has really happened. But i did complete my freshman year of college, very happy for that. ive chilled with ant for a bit while ive been here...i told him that i was thinkin of just tellin him we shouldnt be friends anymore, just need a break and a new start, to my unsurprised self he said if thats what u need. so nonchalant like he didnt even care, he then told me that it would never work and he wouldnt let us not be in each others lives. it had me thinkin. each night i come home from doin whatever, sit and watch tv or listen to music and i usually reflect on my life. lately ive come home and kinda came up with the concept that i dont really want anyone, relationship wise, in my life. they never seem to stay constant or whatever. just when u start to like someone u go days without ever seein, hearin or spendin any type of time with them and it starts to alter ur feelings. i always think to myself how i want to make a difference and an impact in someones life. when i leave i want to be remembered, but not b/c of my face or hair or attitude but of the impact i had on someone.
so back to what i was sayin, i think ive come up with the conclusion that i will be fine on my own and i can make it by myself and with the love of family and friends. ill have a difficult summer ahead of me but those who are tru will help me get by. i think, for once...in about 8 months, im truly startin to smile and be happy again. :) thanks maxwell lol
"If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mLfC2kkvPw
with love,
Kam <3
so back to what i was sayin, i think ive come up with the conclusion that i will be fine on my own and i can make it by myself and with the love of family and friends. ill have a difficult summer ahead of me but those who are tru will help me get by. i think, for once...in about 8 months, im truly startin to smile and be happy again. :) thanks maxwell lol
"If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mLfC2kkvPw
with love,
Kam <3
April 29, 2009
I NEED UR OPINION
He said to me "Kamile ur still my heart, ur still my number 1, nobody can take ur spot, my heart is on lock down it won't love anybody else, i know ur the one for me, i kno for a fact that there is nobody out there like u and i dont want to lose u, ur still here for a reason"
Now can someone please tell me how they feel about that? Can someone please tell me how I'M suppose to feel about that? ugh everytime! EVERY-freakin-TIME!! goin home this weekend, maybe it will clear shyt up...doubt it. really needs some guidance right now! i mean my heart is still with this nigga which sometimes its upsettin b/c it prevents me from movin on 100% and i refuse to start a relationship half-ass. thats not fair to them or me. i mean fatty's...well lets just say there is no one quite like fatty. but there is a guy "dulce" who is sweet, has some rough edges lol, but im sure theres a pearl under the rock ;) hes mad cool, he says ppl call him a smooth talker...i dont see it lol jk jk. but hes real cool ppl (when hes not cursing), got his mind right, got his goals right, just needs to continue to follow thru with them. :) and my nigga lil bear...ugh well his ass his ANNOYIN!, disrespectful and so funny. me and him too much alike to every better anything lol. but hes my nigga 4 life!!! lmao
seriously tell me what u think bout what fatty said!
k thanks
Now can someone please tell me how they feel about that? Can someone please tell me how I'M suppose to feel about that? ugh everytime! EVERY-freakin-TIME!! goin home this weekend, maybe it will clear shyt up...doubt it. really needs some guidance right now! i mean my heart is still with this nigga which sometimes its upsettin b/c it prevents me from movin on 100% and i refuse to start a relationship half-ass. thats not fair to them or me. i mean fatty's...well lets just say there is no one quite like fatty. but there is a guy "dulce" who is sweet, has some rough edges lol, but im sure theres a pearl under the rock ;) hes mad cool, he says ppl call him a smooth talker...i dont see it lol jk jk. but hes real cool ppl (when hes not cursing), got his mind right, got his goals right, just needs to continue to follow thru with them. :) and my nigga lil bear...ugh well his ass his ANNOYIN!, disrespectful and so funny. me and him too much alike to every better anything lol. but hes my nigga 4 life!!! lmao
seriously tell me what u think bout what fatty said!
k thanks
April 26, 2009
Rainy Days
"It's just those rainy days
Spend a lifetime tryin to wash away
Until the sun comes out and shines again
Smile for me, smile for me"
so i kno i havent been on here in a while but ive been sick lately, lost my voice and everything. but whatever, im feelin a little better now, but the voice is still gone. so within the last couple of days, i have had my typical mood swings. seems like a lot of the niggas i thought were different, prove to still be the same type nigga as the rest. now im waitin for this other guy, to do something or say something that makes him like the rest. i think right now, im at the point where i just have a "f**k the world attitude" im so upset and have so much anger for no reason, well at least there should be no reason to me. if a nigga doesnt care enough bout u to respect u or to not be rude to u then its time to move on. im sure SOMEWHERE out in this HUGE ass world filled with MILLONS of guys theres at least ONE that will treat u (me) right, and i think i am determined to find him. LMAO!!! nah like i said it one of my previous blogs, its time to let love find me.
saw the movie Obessed today...good ass movie...crazy as shyt. i recommend yall go see it.
with love
Kamile <3
Spend a lifetime tryin to wash away
Until the sun comes out and shines again
Smile for me, smile for me"
so i kno i havent been on here in a while but ive been sick lately, lost my voice and everything. but whatever, im feelin a little better now, but the voice is still gone. so within the last couple of days, i have had my typical mood swings. seems like a lot of the niggas i thought were different, prove to still be the same type nigga as the rest. now im waitin for this other guy, to do something or say something that makes him like the rest. i think right now, im at the point where i just have a "f**k the world attitude" im so upset and have so much anger for no reason, well at least there should be no reason to me. if a nigga doesnt care enough bout u to respect u or to not be rude to u then its time to move on. im sure SOMEWHERE out in this HUGE ass world filled with MILLONS of guys theres at least ONE that will treat u (me) right, and i think i am determined to find him. LMAO!!! nah like i said it one of my previous blogs, its time to let love find me.
saw the movie Obessed today...good ass movie...crazy as shyt. i recommend yall go see it.
with love
Kamile <3
April 20, 2009
Ha estado lloviendo por SIEMPRE
The weather seems to be real crazy lately. U kno when u get use to months and months of sunshine, u dont kno what to do when it pours! and even worse, u dont kno how to react when it starts to storm. Seems like its been raining FOREVER!!! but its crazy because lately, there's been this real real strong gust of wind that has blowing my gray clouds full of rain away. and im glad, appreciative and hopeful. hopefully, this gust of wind will stay and blow the rain clouds away forever!
eh...gettin bored...to be continued
with love millz
eh...gettin bored...to be continued
with love millz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
